To Be Or Not To Be. That Is A Journey

Well, well, well. Here I am again.
I am thinking, since I have posted a good amount over the last few weeks, I am officially back; and back with a vengeance, I might add.

I do have to say, also, that I am quite consumed with anxiety since I have taken on the task of running two blogs.
What a chore this is.
Now I have to not only come up with something witty and enlightening to entertain all of you here at this blog, but now I must rise to the challenge of documenting my journey, or adventure as my sister called it, of trying to kick that age old bad habit of what we know as smoking at my other blog I started at the beginning of this week.
But I think I can handle it.
Not only can you read my rants and raves, and sometimes sophomoric antidotes here, you get another little piece of my life at www.squaredup.blogspot.com.
How lucky can you be!

Anyway, I do have something worthwhile, or at least I think, to say here tonight. I am undertaking a new quest. This is a quest to discover the truthfulness about my beliefs and what I stand for as far as religious beliefs.
With the help of my sister, I am exploring the beliefs that I have imposed upon myself since breaking away from the Catechism.
These beliefs I have imposed upon myself are mostly due to the questioning of the Catholic religion that I had pounded into my brain since the day I was born, pretty much. These thoughts I have had were not completely mine, and I thought I should own some part of them. So, I am setting out on a journey of enlightenment so ignorance could never be blamed for what I, as a person, believe.

I am not going to get technical here with a lot of ramblings on teachings and quotes, for I am still a stranger to other beliefs, or for that matter, a stranger to non-beliefs.
Nonetheless, as I read, I come to understand more clearly as the uncertainties and unclear notions are put into perspective, just a tad. I have, since I began college, had thoughts that the Catholic religion - which I was raised in for twelve years - had many flaws and imperfections. These thoughts have cause myself to sway from religion altogether. As I grow older, though, I realize that believing is in my soul. The only problem that I am encountering now is what to believe in.
I know what I want to believe, but that is not enough for the reason that is has no grounds.
If someone were to ask me why I believe what I do, all I would be able to muster is a simple because.
Now, I know that is simply not enough. I would not accept that as an answer from anyone else, so why would I accept it from myself.
In the past I have not cared so much as to understand what I have heard bits and pieces of. I heard, I liked, I regarded it as my own.

But what does it mean?

I do not know. I cannot even begin to understand why the Catholic religion is not enough for me. I cannot understand why I believe that there is more out there than faith in one man, one God. I cannot begin to believe why I do not believe creationism as much as evolution.

I am not looking to be born again. I am looking for an understanding of what I am and why I am the way I am.

A person is who they are according to their beliefs. I find, at times, that my confusion leaves me bitter and tainted. This world is full of questions and it is unfair to myself to try and not resolve these question or at least understand why these questions had been proposed.
With the world in turmoil and the fabric of humanity hanging by a thread, beliefs are necessary more now than ever before. Whether these beliefs be in a God - or ideology if you will - or in a community, or in yourself even, beliefs are what keeps humans, well, human.
To believe in nothing only leads to there being nothing. Without beliefs comes the absence of meaning, the absence of knowledge.
How can one live with that?
Nietzsche once wrote, "Nothing is true, everything is allowed". Well, I would have to say that is a loaded statement. It seems to me to be filled with resentment and doubt. But, if his statement is true, than what I just said is false anyway. On the other hand, if his statement is fact, it would not be true either.
This whole thing we call life, love and happiness is all a fantasy, an apparition if you will. And, I would have to go as far to say that if nothing is true, than are we even real?
Life is definitely the one thing that most humans hold near and dear. It is the one thing that, oddly enough, people are willing to lay down their lives for. But I have to say, what kind of life would it be without belief, or for that matter, without understanding your beliefs.
Misunderstandings and misconceived notions lead to hate through ignorance.
I do not want to live my life in ignorance as much as I wish not to live my life in uncertainty.