"I don't know how to see the same things different now"
Isn't that the truth!
That is a line from a Counting Crows song, Insignificant.
That kind of sums up where I am at right now. I am trying to look at myself and my life and life in general different that what I once did. It is very tough though. When I was younger, a teenager, I thought life was pretty cut and dry. You live, you die, you go to heaven or hell.
Pretty easy, huh.
Well, I am not so sure it is so easy anymore. Only things I can be sure of is that you live and you die. That isn't enough though, is it?
Seems to me to be a very resentful life. I mean, we as humans, the smartest species upon this planet, are given no means but to live and die while the animal kingdom is very specific about their lot in life.
Even the plants and trees and flowers have their reasons. Are we merely here to give life to the world with the carbon dioxide that is disposed from our lungs and into the trees for life?
Are we merely here to figure out what the animal and plant lifes' are here for?
It amazes me that we know so much about the other species living on this planet, but when it comes to our existence we are still so incredibly unclear.
We are nothing but theories and "what ifs" as we claim to take power over all living things. But what if all other living things were here to take power over us?
For as smart as we believe ourselves to be, we sure do act very stupidly. The plants, the trees, the animals that we need to survive, that this planet needs to survive, are being killed in vein with excuses of a better life for humans. But yet, we need these living creatures to survive, and yet we kill them thinking it betters our life and the means by which we live it?
I don't know about you, but I am not impressed with this thought process. It is time, to me, to step back and see ourselves outside of our bodies to find the answers we truly need.
We are merely natures pawns in its own existence, and if we think we can hold back nature, then we are truly the dumbest species on this planet.
To steal from Gary Zukav, the author of "The Seat of the Soul", we need to start searching for authentic empowerment instead of external empowerment. Meaning, we need to stop trying to control all that is not meant to be controlled. We need to start searching inside ourselves for wholeness, for that better way of life that not only suits us, but suits all that abides on this planet with us in hopes for a harmonious union.
Yes, it is hard to see these same things different, but it is not impossible.
We need to stop looking for leadership over our lives from governments or even friends or family members and learn to use them as guidance. The leadership you need is within yourself and only that can truly empower you toward a life that is filled with reason and necessity.
This is where I am at. I no longer want to follow the path of the one that I believe should lead me. I want to follow my own path with the guidance of the ones I consider a teacher.
Never doubt yourself even when questions are present. We all have the answers, we just need to be able to answer that question when we ask it.
There is no longer a need to look outside yourself, all we need is to look inside ourselves and find faith in you, find faith in your answers.
Find faith in your journey that will lead you whether it be right or wrong, for we will all find what is needed to be found at that time, in our own place.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
"I don't know how to see the same things different now"
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Well, here I am again.
I know I have taken off for awhile, but I do have to say that it was an intentional sabbatical. I have written and I have wrote and I have taken for granted everything I thought I knew from just the want of knowledge.
I am on a new path. I am on a horizontal path to find the vertical path that I must journey so I will be able to save my splintered soul from ignorance.
I am an addicted, self absorbed, prejudicial, son of a bitch that has lived a life of ignorance with hopes of becoming "somebody".
I have pent up anger that shows its ugly face when the times call for understanding and resolution. I have caravaned through thirty years of life believing that I am. But, you know what? I am!
Everybody is something that is merely bound to an earth that tells us what we could be. I have chosen to escape this mindset of repetition and solidarity so I too can connect to what is pure and simple.
We live in a world. A world that protects us with all of its might and glory. We do not even care.
We come up with names like god and lord and holy spirit to better understand what we will never understand.
Sometimes, most of the time actually, not understanding is the most glorious notion that a human being can feel. I thought at one time, not long ago, that understanding and knowing was the only way of knowing yourself and your capabilities.
If we did understand and know what everything is, would we still want to exist? Would we still proceed on this journey that sometimes feels like it is going nowhere?
I am addicted. I see this now.
I am addicted to nicotine. I am addicted to the feeling that overwhelms my body and my spirit with each drag that consumes me.
I am addicted to ignorance. I am addicted to stereotypes. Most of all, I am addicted to hatred.
For hatred is the explanation of all my anger, my frustrations. Hatred breeds anger, but what breeds hatred? For that is mere ignorance.
It is ignorance of the fact that there is more than "I" happening in a world full of people wanting to know: "What is in it for me?"
It is the end all be all of everything that I wish I could change.
I have chosen a new path. I have come into that proverbial light of being. I am done merely existing. I am through with the anger that only causes myself more pain with no maturation of my soul.
We all will come to a point where the perceptions of this world will leave us numb. We will all, at one time, try to break through the stone caste that keeps us grounded to a life filled with rules and regulations on our thoughts.
My caste has shattered and one piece at a time is crumbling to the holy ground that houses my being. Houses my physical world in hopes that the nonphysical world of mine will protect its life.
I feel the pain now. I feel the unfairness that mankind has bestowed upon this planet with hopes of empowerment that is only suited to the individual, not the whole. We must believe, for we are our change. Change is not only inevitable, it is necessary.
We, as humans, are one. We are all we have and all we need.
This world is one with us and it is time to take control for this world is growing tired of us. Growing tired of the selfishness and the ignorance as we glance around wondering who or what is next for us to control.
We only feel as if we have control, but we are not as strong as we believe. For we are the meek, for we are the ones that will feel the wrath of a force that is not only unseen but unknowing and stronger than our imaginations can conjure.
The time is here for my awakening.
I feel the pain of the helpless seal being clubbed in the arctic. I feel the shameless acts against that endangered dolphins that have left them only known as endangered. I feel the experiments being performed in vain on unknowing, unwilling animals and humans that are meant to better a society.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Man, I cannot believe it has been four days since my last post on here. Does not feel that long, I can say that.
I guess I haven't had too much to say.
I have something to say now, though.
This is my album review of the new Counting Crows album, "Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings".
Of course, this review will be bias since I am a big fan of this band. I have been waiting for a new studio album to be released by them for almost six years.
That is a LOOOOOOOONG time!
I have to say it was worth the wait.
The concept of the album is pretty simple and also works well with how it was produced. The first half of the album is Saturday Nights. Now Saturday Nights is meant to be a more harsh, abrasive album with more of an electric sound and self indulgent lyrics. Of course, done perfectly in my opinion.
With songs like "Hanging Tree" which is about a life that is full of debauchery has done nothing but provided a noose around a proverbial tree for the subject to hang for his sins.
Then there is "Los Angeles" which gives the feel of a man that is loving the L.A. life style with all the sinful acts that have been done and have been witnessed. And, apparently, L.A. is a good place to find a taco. (As stated at the end of the song)
The best, and probably the most fitting, is a song "Cowboys" that reminds me of nothing less than old school Counting Crows with such spiteful lyrics filled with hate, but yet with no regrets. I could be wrong, but somehow I get the idea the song was written about more than a life of debauchery, but also about the present state the U.S. is in.
Now, Sunday Mornings is a more mellow, dramatic sounding part of the album with regretful lyrics.
With songs like "When I Dream Of Michelangelo" and "On A Tuesday In Amsterdam Long Ago", you get the feeling of pure hatred sprinkled with regret for the lifestyle that is wanted but still taking a toll on the soul.
But, the last song on the album is a more uptempo song called "Come Around" which, to me, seems to say that with all that is regretted about the night before, you will still find me here next week continuing the cycle.
Adam Duritz, the lead singer of the Crows, writes the lyrics of all the songs. Once again, he has portrayed the feeling in each of his songs that of which was intended.
If we were rating the album on a five star basis, I would definitely give this album four and a half stars. I would have to shy from a total five star album for the reason that their first two albums, "August And Everything After" and "Recovering The Satellites", were outstanding albums that could never be outdone. Yet, with their best work behind them, they never disappoint and once again delivered a must buy album that is nothing less than spectacular.
Monday, March 24, 2008
So, with gas prices soaring and my wallet thinning, I have decided that it was time to put myself on a budget. I examined the expenses and came up with some ways to cut back on my spending. One, of course, is this journey I am on of quitting smoking (those too have skyrocketed in price over the last couple of years). Another way I have came up with, with the help of my insightful girlfriend, is to start taking public transportation to work. Today, Monday March 24 of 2008, was the first time experimenting with this public transportation known as the CTA - Chicago Transit Authority.
I took it on the chin and rode the eighty-nine blocks from my home to work with the everyday'ers that treat the CTA as if it were their own personal vehicle. I do have to admit though, it was not as bad as I thought it would be. I know on my ride I would encounter not only the "weirdos" that ride the bus just for fun, but also the trash that abides in the bad neighborhoods that I would have to ride through in order to achieve my destination.
Of course, my place of employment is in a bad neighborhood, so I am quite used to walking around with my eyes open and my ears up.
I sat there, in my hard plastic seat, watching, waiting for the throw down where I would have to display my abilities of running away. But that did not arise and I was able to keep my pride for yet another day.
I have not taken public transportation since I was in college, riding everyday to downtown Chicago where I would weather the cold and the hot and everything inbetween. The CTA is definitely more advanced now with computerized voice overs announcing each stop along the way and also when the doors would be opening or closing.
Anyway, as I sat glutted on the eighty-nine block ride back home, I had nothing better to day but pay attention to the computerized voice that is still playing in my head. As I listened I heard something interesting and grammatically incorrect. I played back the recording in my mind and came up with a story that made myself chuckle, and also kept me entertained as I waited for my stop to approach.
The recording said, and I quote, "Be courteous. Stand up for passengers with disablilities, elderly passengers and EXPECTED mothers. Thank you for riding the CTA".
So I was entertaining myself with the idea of a man who would not stand up for a woman because she was pregnant for he did not see it to be courteous since she was unexpected and not a mother as of yet.
I was entertaining the idea that he would interview her with questions like "are you a mother?" and if she did answer yes I was thinking he would ask "were you expected?" and if she said no than he would merely let her stand for she did not fit the criteria set forth by the recording.
Then, a woman with a stroller boarded the bus soon after my thoughts took over.
She had crooked eyebrows!
I know women like to pluck their eyebrows so they do not appear to be so bushy, but don't women also make sure they pluck them evenly so they look presentable? This just set my mind racing toward a Seinfeld episode.
I thought of Kramer on the bus asking those questions. I thought of Kramer pointing out the crooked eyebrows. I thought of Kramer sitting next to George, telling him not to stand up for it was not necessary.
I thought of Kramer giving beauty tips that he had learned from his friend Bob Sakamono. Then I thought of Elaine inquiring about the father only to find out it was a bastard child, which would then set off a rant about the decline of humanity.
Next thing I knew, my stop arrived.
Eighty-nine blocks and I kept Seinfeld on the air for another episode.
How can a day get better than that!
Not exciting, I know, but hey, just thought I would share this with you.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
In order to keep this blog from going religious, spiritual or anything else devoid of practical practices and everyday life, I have decided, for my self, to just write about some silly socially unaccepted quirks that most of us have we try so hard to hide.
First, I would like to discuss nose-picking.
Why is it so disgusting to watch another individual pick their nose when I would say 90% of us do it? What is so repulsive about watching and man or woman as they bury their hand, up to their wrist, in their nostril? We all know, that sometimes, blowing your nose does not get all the bears in the cave out of hibernation. Sometimes it takes the almighty finger to satisfy that sensation of cleanliness.
Secondly, how about scratching your ass?
Depending on the day, especially if it is hot, we all know that since there is a lack of ventilation down there, sometimes the swass, sweaty ass for those who are unaware, becomes so unbearable that the ass begins to itch. And how do we satisfy an itch? We scratch it! Now, some ass might be scratchy due to improper hygiene, namely not wiping completely, but nonetheless, it is still am itch that needs to be scratched.
It amazes me that it is more socially acceptable to watch a guy scratch his balls with no remorse than to watch someone scratch their ass. Is it not one and the same? It is on the same end of the spectrum, just different sides.
Thirdly, why is it unacceptable to curse in front of customers if you work in retail? This one is probably more about manners than anything else, but nonetheless we all know the person we are serving curses just as much as you might. Are we not to talk to customers as we would want to me spoken to? Well, i expect my friends and family to curse at me, in a non-derogatory way of course, when they speak of events that has happened. It is human nature to throw around those four letter words, but still those words are dirty and yet probably the most used, not to mention ambiguous, words in the English language.
And finally, why is it socially unacceptable to fart or belch in public?
These are natural bodily functions that are needed to keep proper balance within ourselves. It removes the gases that are caused by foods and beverages alike. I know, the smell can be offensive, but still it is necessary to do such things especially if a tummy ache is to be avoided. Yet, it is alright for us to announce ourselves when it comes time to take a shit. We all know and most have done this, for some reason it is necessary to let everyone around you that it is time to drop the kids off at the pool, see a man about a dog, or simply, take a shit. For some reason, though, farting is far more offensive than putting the thought into peoples minds of you squatting down over the toilet to relieve yourself of last nights dinner. Belching is not as much a shun as farting, but belch in a crowded restaurant and see the looks of disgust you will receive from other patrons.
Simply, what I am trying to say is nothing. I was just wondering these things and thought I should write them down. For I too wish not to live in a world of nose-picking, ass scratching, cursing, burping degenerates who fart for the pleasure of watching your face turn green from such a wretched smell.
When you are missing something or someone, how can you help but miss that someone or something with a childish mentality? When you are missing that one thing in your life you lose hope and sometimes you lose all reason of all things sensible. The only truth in your life that remains is the truth of feeling empty. That is what missing truly is at the heart of the matter, a feeling of emptiness.
There are never, usually profound reasons for missing someone or something. The reasons usually do not go beyond merely wanting a feeling or emotion back in your life. It is a cold hard truth of life to lose things or people that mean so much to you. It is nothing but truth that contains the simple fact of loneliness or emptiness.
Is it a selfish notion, missing someone or something?
Is it wrong to feel selfish at that moment and want to have back what has been lost?
I don't feel that is so.
Human nature, I believe, keeps us striving, keeps us wanting, it even keeps us ignoring the inevitable notion that nothing is forever.
I have read that if eternity is what is wanted than live for that moment; live for the now and believe there is no past nor a future.
For whom would wait for eternity in a heaven or in an afterlife when it could be had right here by merely living in the now?
I say, simply or sophomoric, pish-pash.
I do not, by any means, wish to live my life waiting for death so that I can experience eternal life. But, I also do not wish to believe that living in the now is all that is necessary to live a free life.
As wondrous the notion might sound, eternity cannot be found in believing each second that passes is merely life. How can we live for the now when everything we know is derived from history, which is the past. When everything we do in this moment is to better ourselves (or worsen, whatever the case may be) for the future. For our future.
So, how can we deny a past? How can we deny a future? How can one tell me that I do not have a past when my past is the consistent make up of what I am today? What I am right now?
I do believe that seizing the moment is something that should be done in a persons life. Looking ahead only causes you to live for a future when you should be living for the day.
But, I do not feel that what I believe is the same thing. We look to the past for answers to the problems that face us in the now. We look to the future to determine if the choices we make right now will inadvertently effect our outcome. By doing so, I do not feel we have denied ourselves the sense of oneness with the world around us. We have not denied our spirit of completeness by learning or rather by becoming one with what was yesterday.
Humans, to me, cannot help but mourn the passing time, nor can they help but celebrate what the future might bring. To me, it is the unknowing that keeps me living in the moment I am living in. The truth that shall reveal itself to me in the days, months, or years to come is what keeps me striving, what keeps me wanting more from myself as I live today.
I do not know if this at all will make sense to you, the reader, but to myself it makes perfect sense.
The reason I went into this is because looking back at the things we once had, which could be the things we want back, is about reflection. It is about knowing thyself fully with complete understanding.
We miss so much about ourselves as we grow older but that does not mean we wish to be a different person that we are today. I feel more at ease with myself today, at this very moment, than I did yesterday and the day before, and the year before and so on. But with comfortability comes the knowledge of the person I once was, the person that I tried so hard to challenge into becoming a better person, a more knowing person. Without the knowledge of my past, can I really become a better person today, or in the future for that matter?
I miss the years I spent in college, but those years I spent in college were the years of mental expansion. Those were the years where I shed my boyhood notions and formed them into adulthood notions by simply shaping them and giving them acknowledgment with understanding.
I miss a lot of things and people that have come in and out of my life, for good reasons I suppose.
I do believe in fate, not whole heartedly I must admit, but I believe there is a minute amount of truth in the statement "everything happens for a reason".
I believe that statement more to the effect that everyone you meet, you meet for a reason.
I cannot help but believe that every person that comes in and out of your life is there to show you some kind of truth that would not have otherwise been found. I believe that knowledge can not only be found through books and education, but also through experiences.
I believe that what does not kill us can only make us stronger. I believe that unknowing is part of an unknown world. I also believe that if our past is not there to be learned from, than why do we have a past?
Whatever the answers may be or not be, the only question that should matter is: Do you live the best life you possibly can?
But, back to my original point of missing something or someone, is it deemed unnecessary to miss a person or a point in your life since the past should not matter?
I say not, it is very necessary. For it is all of the longings that keep you striving for greatness. Not greatness in knowledge, but greatness in living a life that would be deemed acceptable to your soul. The soul that allows you to miss, to wonder, and to keep living.
I too have missed and am missing at this moment.
For I miss my beloved family pet who was euthanized in the middle of last year. I also miss my Nana; so much in fact that her memory keeps me wanting, it keeps me warm everytime I remember her love.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Well, well, well. Here I am again.
I am thinking, since I have posted a good amount over the last few weeks, I am officially back; and back with a vengeance, I might add.
I do have to say, also, that I am quite consumed with anxiety since I have taken on the task of running two blogs.
What a chore this is.
Now I have to not only come up with something witty and enlightening to entertain all of you here at this blog, but now I must rise to the challenge of documenting my journey, or adventure as my sister called it, of trying to kick that age old bad habit of what we know as smoking at my other blog I started at the beginning of this week.
But I think I can handle it.
Not only can you read my rants and raves, and sometimes sophomoric antidotes here, you get another little piece of my life at www.squaredup.blogspot.com.
How lucky can you be!
Anyway, I do have something worthwhile, or at least I think, to say here tonight. I am undertaking a new quest. This is a quest to discover the truthfulness about my beliefs and what I stand for as far as religious beliefs.
With the help of my sister, I am exploring the beliefs that I have imposed upon myself since breaking away from the Catechism.
These beliefs I have imposed upon myself are mostly due to the questioning of the Catholic religion that I had pounded into my brain since the day I was born, pretty much. These thoughts I have had were not completely mine, and I thought I should own some part of them. So, I am setting out on a journey of enlightenment so ignorance could never be blamed for what I, as a person, believe.
I am not going to get technical here with a lot of ramblings on teachings and quotes, for I am still a stranger to other beliefs, or for that matter, a stranger to non-beliefs.
Nonetheless, as I read, I come to understand more clearly as the uncertainties and unclear notions are put into perspective, just a tad. I have, since I began college, had thoughts that the Catholic religion - which I was raised in for twelve years - had many flaws and imperfections. These thoughts have cause myself to sway from religion altogether. As I grow older, though, I realize that believing is in my soul. The only problem that I am encountering now is what to believe in.
I know what I want to believe, but that is not enough for the reason that is has no grounds.
If someone were to ask me why I believe what I do, all I would be able to muster is a simple because.
Now, I know that is simply not enough. I would not accept that as an answer from anyone else, so why would I accept it from myself.
In the past I have not cared so much as to understand what I have heard bits and pieces of. I heard, I liked, I regarded it as my own.
But what does it mean?
I do not know. I cannot even begin to understand why the Catholic religion is not enough for me. I cannot understand why I believe that there is more out there than faith in one man, one God. I cannot begin to believe why I do not believe creationism as much as evolution.
I am not looking to be born again. I am looking for an understanding of what I am and why I am the way I am.
A person is who they are according to their beliefs. I find, at times, that my confusion leaves me bitter and tainted. This world is full of questions and it is unfair to myself to try and not resolve these question or at least understand why these questions had been proposed.
With the world in turmoil and the fabric of humanity hanging by a thread, beliefs are necessary more now than ever before. Whether these beliefs be in a God - or ideology if you will - or in a community, or in yourself even, beliefs are what keeps humans, well, human.
To believe in nothing only leads to there being nothing. Without beliefs comes the absence of meaning, the absence of knowledge.
How can one live with that?
Nietzsche once wrote, "Nothing is true, everything is allowed". Well, I would have to say that is a loaded statement. It seems to me to be filled with resentment and doubt. But, if his statement is true, than what I just said is false anyway. On the other hand, if his statement is fact, it would not be true either.
This whole thing we call life, love and happiness is all a fantasy, an apparition if you will. And, I would have to go as far to say that if nothing is true, than are we even real?
Life is definitely the one thing that most humans hold near and dear. It is the one thing that, oddly enough, people are willing to lay down their lives for. But I have to say, what kind of life would it be without belief, or for that matter, without understanding your beliefs.
Misunderstandings and misconceived notions lead to hate through ignorance.
I do not want to live my life in ignorance as much as I wish not to live my life in uncertainty.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Is it more than the hands of a clock or the rising and setting of a sun?
Is it a mere conception of control over our daily lives?
What if we were able to break the constraints of time and move through it like it did not even exist?
A bit sci-fi, I know, but think about it and wonder what it might be like if we controlled time instead of time controlling us.
I guess these thoughts are partly due to the fact that I watch a British television show called Dr. Who where the main character, the Doctor, is a time lord and not only is he able to travel through time, but he is also able to control time.
In essence, he is time.
I wonder, not constantly, but a lot, what it would be like if we were able to change time and right all of our wrongs.
Time, to me, is merely a concept. A concept of where we are supposed to be.
Maybe it is even a concept of what we are are supposed to be.
We are classified throughout time as "The Dark Ages", "The Middle Ages", "The Stone Age", and so on. We are even classified by time as being baby boomers, generation X'ers, generation Y, in our golden years, or even in our youth.
We are merely victims of a time period where our personalities and tendencies are chalked up to the era in which we were born.
It is kind of a generalization, don't you think?
But for whom do these bells of time toll?
Well, they should toll for those who toss aside labels of time and become the person they are meant to become.
I believe that controlling time is more than being able to travel through it or around it, but also being able to shatter the label of what time has meant for you. I know I have met people and said something to the effect "you don't act your age", but what is an age supposed to act like?
Everyone, inherently, wants to make a mark on the world. They want to be remembered for something, be it by their family or by the world.
Everyone seems to be looking for their moment in time where they shine brighter than the rest.
Some people, as they get older, try to escape time, whether it be with activity or with plastic surgeries, but nonetheless are trying to preserve themselves into a timeless manner.
Growing old is a curse to some, while growing old brings wisdom to others.
Is living to one-hundred or more really beating the game of time?
Is living to thirty years of age or less really being defeated by time?
Is time really so cruel to some and more generous to others? Or is being defeated by time living to be one-hundred years old?
Time has taken a toll on a body by that point to where independence is no longer an option?
We all crave more time. Whether it be time with our friends, time to ourselves, or time in a moment with a loved one, we always want more of a good thing and less time with what is considered a bad time.
We watch incessantly at the hands of a clock or a watch hoping it will speed up or slow down. Hardly do we give thought to the notion of living in a moment or in the now, we are constantly looking back at what has been and looking forward to what might be.
In essence all we really want is some time.
Some time to live and some time to relent.
Some time to believe and some time to forget.
But what we want most of all is to do these things in our own time. So what would this world become if time was merely a minor inconvenience that was able to be changed at our own will?
Would this world relish in every moment that was once a memory, or would we stop time and hope that we can live forever?
For it is immortality that humans try to achieve more than anything else.